Feeling of Loss

It is a peculiarity of man that he can only live be looking to the future - sub specie aeternitatis. And this is his salvation in the most difficult moments of his existence, although he sometimes has to force his mind to the task. - Viktor Emil Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning

Sometimes we get lost in the grind of life. It mercilessly grinds us to a pulp, throwing work after work in front of us, placing crazy demands that we can't stand to meet. Once we get stuck in the grinder, it becomes monotonous, and we become numb to the effects of our soul weathering away. Whether we feel motivated day after day to follow our dreams or whether we drag our feet out of bed and float aimlessly throughout the day, the day swallows us without much thought to the timeline of life. What we want to do and where we want to go in the future overshadows what's in the present and what one day will become the past. For me, this came in the last few weeks as an underlying sense of dissatisfaction in my life. It came with the illusion that a mountain exists for us to climb, and that at the top, all will be right.

I woke up randomly one day last week with a sense that all was good. A sense that all I truly ever wanted was a simple life. One with a few friends, a few adventures, and lots of peace and freedom. I truly felt a deeper sense of satisfaction that came with the realization that I'll miss all of this one day. I'll miss being hunched over my desk, burning my eyes at my 32 inch monitor for hours on end. I'll miss struggling through the day, plagued with thoughts of the future and what I want to do. I'll miss grinding away at perceived hopes, setting arbitrary goals for me to meet. I'll miss all the angst and anguish I've felt over different periods of my life, struggling through different issues. I'll miss all the bad as well as all the good. I'll miss my cousins, my brother, my parents, and the youth that time offered to us. I grew up and struggled in this house, and one day, all of it will be gone. All of them will be gone.

One day I will have moved on from this humble house where I spent my entire childhood growing up. Moved from the pre-k I got lost in. Moved from the bed I used to jump on, and the bed my mom used to hold me to sleep in. Moved from the yellow-stained, sticker filled folding table my mom used to wait for me to finish drinking my milk. Moved from the house where my dad made numerous renovations to keep everything in place. Everything. Moved on from the place where my hopes and dreams were born out of nothing. It's up to me to cherish them and never forget. Because one day my parents will be gone too. Along with all their hopes, dreams, and memories.

The past is often bittersweet. It's messy and far from perfect, but it's all we have to remind us of who we are today. Isn't it strange to think about one day missing the bad parts of our lives? We forget how important things were to us back then because they are unimportant to us now. Let's enjoy the serenity of it all. Before we dive aimlessly again into our misshapen lives.